Eating all the food

So I hate people watching me eat. Always have, always will. It's like a preview of pooping, people. POOPING. 

For God's sake look away.


What I hate more? Discussing the food I am currently shoving into my face-hole (the larger one, for clarification- snorting protein powder is not a level I am certain I wish to reach, no matter what gains may come of it) with people who

A) note I am eating, and therefore mouth is occupado, amigos

B) wander over and start asking me questions mid-chew,

C) stare into my gaping maw as I now desperately attempt to swallow my food ASAP so as not to be rude, thus diminishing the enjoyment/actual tasting of said food in order to blurt out what it is,

D) continue asking questions as soon as I re-engage mouth and food tango.

It's kind of the worst, guys.

"But Tennaners," they defensively mock-joke, "you're just so into fitness and I wanted to know what you "healthy people" eat, that's all."

This often leads to me explaining a food I eat, and then they start to debate it, calling on the supreme wisdom of this guy they know who once said dairy/carbs/meals larger than 200kcal for a lady-bro/whatever it is I am currently actually eating is BAAAAD, often said as they smugly tuck into a Chipotle "extra everything" burrito and you know what, we are leaving that for another post because how rude is it to start using phrases like "mucus producer" when I am actively masticating Greek yogurt? (Answer: super rude, you jerks.)

But in the interest of the few who are actually curious, and aren't just looking to bust out that One Weird Tip to Blast Belly Fat For Good, here's an example of what I'm eating tomorrow.

I follow intermittent fasting/leangains. It means that, instead of "stoking my metabolic fire" with 6 tiny meals spaced out all day, leading to my angry eyes sweating the clock all OMG HAS IT BEEN 2.5 HOURS MAY I EAT MY ELEVEN CHICKPEAS NOW

NOOO ONLY 2.15 HOURS GAIS HOW MUCH CARBS IS HAIR WEAVES?!

I instead eat 2-3 largish meals during one eight-hour period. Which means, depending on if I lifted that day or not, I'm downing ~1390 kcal (non-lift) or ~2000kcal (lift whooo yeah) in 2 meals. Which is fantastic.

Note that there is still the element of calorie watching, guys- Leangains.com explains it all sciencey, but simply put, you have to balance out your macros- protein, carbs, and fats. Intermittent Fasting is not about starving for 16 hours, then eating your weight in cake and Cheetos for the magical 8 hours; you still end up eating a lot of "clean" foods to meet those goals. The kickass part is that you can still eat absolute garbage, you just have to plan it.

Check it- I love me some Good&Plentys. Those black licorice candies are my kryptonite, and opening a box means the whole she-bang is fair game until I poo green. (As you will. Trust me.)

(Please. Just trust me on that one. I'm not Google-Image-Searching that for your own good.)

But guys? I can totally eat that shizz if I want. 

A box of those sweet suckers is 170 kcal, 43 grams of carbs. So if I get 180 carb grams grand total for the day, that means I have to trade out other foods (like sweet potatoes and pasta) and end up eating less volume, with the understanding that I will feel like butt the next day from the sudden surge of processed sugars in my usually clean system. BUT. I can if I want, because I am a grown up, and bonus- I didn't break my diet, so none of that residual case of the fuck-its to mess up my fitness mojo.

Which can get boring, which is likely why the Internet is chock-ful of bastardizations of all sorts of meals, swapping quinoa for white rice, spaghetti squash for pasta, Greek yogurt for full-fat sugar-added varieties, etc. 

Enter (one part of) what I made for "breakfast" for tomorrow.

PB&J Pudding

Time to make: lol

Difficulty: spoon

Ingredient Round-Up:

Fat-Free Greek Yogurt- PLAIN, you fools. Fat's not bad, but I'm saving it for my dinner- it's slower to digest, and since I work out at 0400 the next morning, I need as much "staying power" in my dinner as possible. Possiprobably psychosomatic. Chobani is acceptable, but Fage has like 1 more gram of sweet, sweet protein, so in it goes.

PB2- it's a powdered peanut butter, 2 TBSP = 45 kcal, and it has a smoky yum flavor. Also, since it is powdered, you have to mix it with water to make it less demon-hate-throat-desert and more mmmmmmmm, and therefore, it's hard to binge/overeat. I get this from Amazon, btw.

Vanilla protein powder- I'm currently rocking Optimum Nutrition's Vanilla Ice Cream- there are cheaper brands for the same oomph/macronutrients, but I was completely out of protein powder and needed some pronto, and ON's flavors have yet to disappoint me.

Sugar-free preserves- I think I've got some Smuckers Sugar-Free strawberry preserves att- it's 10 kcal a TBSP, and unless you go all hog-wild and eat like a cup, the Splenda sweetener shouldn't give you the bubbleguts. I've been me long enough to know that sugar is just one of those things that makes me gain weight, and not the good, flexin' kind of weight, either. YMMV. 

Walden a.k.a. Weirdo Farms makes a TON of calorie-free food-type things, so if you're sperging out over 10 kcal, you can try that, but with warning- none of that tastes good on it's own. Mix it with other food, you should be okay. Eat it as is... 

Directions:

Here's where you see behind the curtain- I totally make shizz up on the fly, so this was a creation ala 3 hours ago. I reserve the right to trip-report/come back here and edit tomorrow after I actually eat it. But here's what I did this time:

1 cup yogurt + 1 scoop protein powder +4 TBSP powdered peanut butter. Mixed that up until it looked like cheesecake that has yet to be baked. 

2 4 TBSP strawberry preserves. Just glopped it in, didn't mix too much because I wanted there to be some discernable fruit-bits, and not just a blend like someone ate a sandwich and then puked it into a tupperware. (EDIT: It needed a bit more fruit. Also, might consider going grape for maximum old-fashioned feels.)

                                                               Bobby Flay, I am not.

Put in refrigerator. If you're going to eat right away, go for it, but I think it's better if you let it set up a bit first. I make my food the day before, so it'll sit in my icebox overnight before I throw it into my insulated lunch bag tomorrow and eat it at noon.

This is one part of breakfast- all told, tomorrow's is coming in at 903 kcal.

"But Tennaners," begins peanut gallery, "you're just so into fitness and I wanted to know what you "healthy people" eat, but that is surely going to make you a fat."

To which I could say more words, or just show you what going from ~1100 kcal a day... 

to 1390/2000 kcal splits for 3ish months can do.

Your mileage may vary.